Realizations: When You Finally Know You're A Little Bit Stupid To Think You're In Love

At the height of my so called love struck phase with three guys, I was either so high I barely have time to do my work because I anxiously wait for their replies and would reply the second I get them or I was too depressed because I wasn’t getting the love I thought I deserved from them.

 

For almost a year I was frantically searching for ways I could be better or reading a million articles on why he’s pulling away or how to snug the guy with the live in partner or why he’s emotionally unavailable because he’s hung-up on his ex. I was too caught up on the ups and downs that I didn’t have time to think of other important things I should be thinking which took a toll on my health not theirs. I would look on hours end at their girlfriends/ex’s Facebook profiles and compare myself with those girls asking myself what they actually saw in those women that they didn’t see in me. I did that every day and it was tiring. The first of the three guys who actually courted me for a while was too secretive so I never really found out who his ex was. I became too depressed not them that I had to seek professional help because everything was too much for me.

For many years, I was single because as much as I love being with someone, I have a characteristic that is volatile. I’m not someone who will choose to stay when things get a little shaky. But yes, there are times like in these three instances that I’ve been choosing the wrong guy. Guys who didn’t really want anything to do with me. I can’t say I’m in love with them because when guy #1 went out of the picture and guy #2 came, my attention was redirected to guy #2. The same thing happened when guy #3 came. And all the while I gave them my time despite knowing I’m not getting what I deserve. It became a pattern that affected other areas of my life. I was always sleepy, I didn’t want to do my work or I do my work but I have to force it all because I’m trying to force something that I think will turn out great just for the sake of getting what I want. So by not getting what I want, I become weary and constantly over thinking if there’s even a single soul who wants me forgetting that I used to break up with all the guys who came in my life. I’ve forgotten that I’m lovable too despite the craziness because this is me.

I think I’m trying so hard to be someone I am not; trying so hard to become like the women in their lives when I’m fine as I am. I think I’ve forgotten my worth, I’ve forgotten the word confidence that I constantly need the people around me to remind me of that. That I may not be like their exes or their girlfriends because I’m just me and what’s wrong with that? I may have really liked them at one point but now I’m thinking about it, what good will it get me to be with them when all they bring to my life are constant negativity? Isn’t it amazing to find someone who I will match with? Someone who I don’t need to beg attention for or someone I don’t need to convince I am worth it. That’s who I want and from now I won’t settle for something so less just for the heck of having someone to talk to.